BestofQuora: Just For Laughs

Showing posts with label Just For Laughs. Show all posts

Friday, 2 March 2018

What is something you don't want to hear the captain say on an airplane?

Lukas Schwekendiek, Life Coach, Speaker, Writer. Published on TIME, Inc.com & Huffington Post

Pilot: Hello ladies and gentlemen. Erm… thank you for choosing to fly with us. We are currently headed to …Los Angeles. …Err…Please enjoy your trip… Oh, and as this is my first flight as a pilot I would welcome any and all advice you have as I am entirely self-taught. Thank you!

Passengers: *Gulp*

Pilot: Hello and welcome to the flight to…. awww F*ck it…. You’re on a plane. It better the right one. If you are too stupid to figure it out don’t blame me, I am not turning around. Buckle up if you want to. Bother the stewardesses for anything else. I don’t care. I hate this f*cking job.

Pilot: Hello Ladies and Gentlemen! I am so happy to be your Captain here today! I love flying! My mother always said I should follow my dreams and I did! When I was younger I used to love playing with my airplanes and actually built paper ones myself! You could never see me without one… I was the cutest kid! Anyway! We are on the flight to Rome, Italy today! Oh that reminds me of how beautiful it was there… You see we flew there when I was 10 years old. Ah! It was magnificent! We flew in this beautiful plane. Not the one you are flying in today. That was a different airline back then. But they are striking now. Isn’t it just awful how many airlines are striking? Well not us! We are an amazing airline and you can be glad you are here today! I just love flying. Did I mention that already? Anyway! On this trip to Rome we…

And on… and on… and on…

Pilot: Hello and welcome to flight B267 to Athens. We are preparing for departure now. Please put on your seatbelts and we will be good to go… Hey Frank, hand me the manual please, I haven’t been in this plane before… Thanks… What does this button do again? Ah! Right… Also, why is the intercom light still on? Didn’t I turn that off?

Pilot: OH GOD!! Dude all the systems are going nuts! This is the biggest f*cking storm we’ve been in! SH*T!! I don’t think we’ll make it! Just push the buttons! F*ck I have to make an announcement! … Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. We are encountering some minor turbulences. Please buckle your seatbelts. We should be out shortly… Alright, what do you have for me? WHAT?!?! WE LOST THE RIGHT ENGINE?!?! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Come on baby! Make it! Sh*t the intercom is still on… Oh well, guess it’s too late now! Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain calm. But… you better strap in tight, we are in for a rough ride!

Pilot: Dear… Ladies and… *Hick* Gentleladies. Today we are flying to… *Hick*P…P… Paris! … Please put on your *hick* sitwraps-belty-thingies……… Oh f*ck I had too much to drink… No… No… I’m okay to fly, just hand me my Margarita…

As the pilot boards the plane.

Pilot mumbling to himself: Fire me… I’ll show them! Firing me!! Oh I am going to make sure they never get another passenger on another plane… How dare they fire me after everything I’ve done!… I’ll show them! I swear!

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Humor: What are some of the greatest examples of presence of mind?

Nikhil Jadhav, lives in Ahmednagar, Maharashtra, India

Answered Sep 5

The incident on NYC 6 Train.

In a New York subway, people were standing in order to get out at the next stop. Meanwhile, a fight started between a man and a lady who were standing opposite to each other.

They started abusing each other. Argument turned into a bitter hand fight. The lady repeatedly kept kicking the man.

This created a scene. People gathered around. No one dared to step forward and stop them.

Suddenly, a man eating some snacks came and stood between them.

And what he did ? Nothing ! Absolutely nothing. He just kept munching on the chips in his hand.

This act worked surprisingly well and he managed to calm both of the persons down. And he stopped the fight, without even uttering a single word !

Food has a calming effect on our mind, whenever we see someone eating, our mind automatically calms down. In movies, how many times have you seen someone getting killed while eating?

He is not a superhero,

He is a watchful protector,

A silent guardian,

‘The Snackman’

Friday, 3 November 2017

What is the most useless fact you know?(18+)

Joseph Kitts, Writer on Quora

Updated Aug 31

Here's a useless fact, that you will never forget!

The inner surface of your cheeks, are made of the same material, as the inside of a vagina.

Let that sink in for a moment.

I know how gross this sounds, but we're all adults here. So get over it.

The material is called Stratified squamous epithelium, made of flattened epithelial cells.

Useless? Of course! But will you remember this fact, every time you do this?

…

Enjoy!

Thursday, 2 November 2017

What animal fact ruined that species for you?

Mish Yan, studied at UBC－Sauder School of Business

Answered Sep 10

I had always thought my love for my cat was unconditional until I was scraped by his penis. After staring at my burning forearm for a while, I decided I must have had suffered a hallucination. I just couldn’t believe it.

I rushed to my laptop, raring to unravel every mistery about this little monster. And this is what I learned:

What are the barbs?

The male’s penis is barbed with more than a hundred tiny hooks, made of keratin, a tough fibers protein normally found in nails and claws. As the male withdraws, the hooks scrape the walls of the vagina.

Why Is a Male Cat's Penis Barbed?

Male kittens are not born with barbed penises. Mar Vista Animal Medical Center, a veterinary clinic in California, says that cats reach puberty when they are about 6 months old. The barbs develop on the penis at this point because their purpose is to aid in reproduction.

1. They help scratch out any competing sperms from previous mating;

2. They also induce ovulation - the pain from scraping stimulates the female’s brain. In response, it releases a specific hormone, which triggers the eggs to begin maturing;

3. They keep the female cat from escaping before mating is complete. She may attempt to flee because cats are more likely to be loners than dogs and resent the intrusion to some point. Mating is also painful for female cats, both because of the barbs themselves and because the male cat begins by biting the back of the female's neck.

Needless to say, his right of free access to my bedroom has been permanently deprived. I really wish I could unlearn this fact.

(He now cuddles with my dog most time of the day)

Sources:

What is the most unbelievable report that 911 has responded to?

Will Taylor, former Mad Scientist/Gene Splicer at Umbrella Corporation (1990-2016)

Answered Aug 31

I was a security guard in a rather large apartment complex.

One evening, my partner and I were walking around the area, when a crazy-eyed guy comes sprinting out of a unit, hands clasped around his head, hunched over.

Guy: “Officer! Officer! Are you the police?!?!?”

Partner: “No, sir. We’re security for the complex. What’s the problem?”

Guy: “ I need the police here! Right now!”

Me: “Sir, just tell us what the problem is. I’m sure we can handle it.,”

“There are four guys in my house and they won’t leave! They have guns! You have to call the police!”

My partner and I looked at each other, decided that we were outnumbered and possibly outgunned, so we moved a little way down the street and my partner dialed 911 on speaker. I stood next to the guy, and kept the unit in sight.

Dispatch: “911. Where’s your emergency?”

Partner: “1234 5th St. Resident reports four armed suspects inside, refusing to leave.”

Dispatch: “Did you say 1234 5th St, sir?”

Partner: “Yes, ma’am.”

Dispatch: “Sir, would you please take me off speaker?”

Partner: “Uh…sure.” *beep* “Go ahead, ma’am. Yes, ma’am. Yes, ma’am. I understand, ma’am. We’re posted just down the block. Thank you, ma’am.”

He hung up. I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. He just smirked, nodding back.

At that point, I knew the guy with us was mentally unstable, and that there were probably no armed intruders.

The guy still cradled his head and was still hunched over.

Me: “Are you alright, sir? Are you hurt?”

Guy: “No. It’s those beams from space. The aliens are trying to get in my head. I left my hat in the house. They have a hard time trying to get through my hands, though. The blood in the arteries washes away the signals. Hard to get a lock on my brain.”

My partner turned his back, threatening to split a gut.

A few minutes later, a lone patrol car pulled up, the officer inside stone faced. My partner walked briskly over to him as he got out, putting on a Washington Redskins cap. Yep…a cop, complete with badge, gun, handcuffs, body armor, spare magazines, taser, and a bunch of other gear arrayed around his belt…wearing a Washington Redskins team cap.

He and my partner conferred for a second, then he walked over to us and addressed the guy.

Cop: “Hi, Jason. Do you remember me?”

Guy/Jason: “I think so. You’re the same guy who told the elves to get off my roof.”

Cop: “That’s right, Jason. My name is Randy. What seems to be the problem, now?”

Jason: “Four of them in my closet, eating my Twinkies. I told ’em to leave, but they told me to fuck off or they’d shoot me.”

Cop/Randy: “Let’s go back down the block to your house. I’ll go in and talk to them. Is that okay, Jason?”

Jason: “I just want them to stop eating my Twinkies and go away.”

Cop/Randy: “Is it the same ones from last time? Or someone new?”

Jason: “I think it’s the same ones. At least one of ‘em’s the same. Remember the redhead with the Argyle sweater?”

Cop/Randy: “I think the redhead was wearing purple, last time.”

My partner and I were absolutely amazed! This cop was a bonafide genius! We knew they got training in dealing with the mentally disturbed, but this was taking it to another level.

As we were walking along, another patrol car slid quietly up behind us on the other side of the street, keeping pace with us.

Cop/Randy: “Here. Use my cap. It’s lined with foil to keep out the aliens.” He handed the hat to Jason, who snatched it and slammed it onto his head.

Cop/Randy: “How much did your Twinkies cost?”

Jason: “I think they cost two whole dollars and forty-seventeen cents. Can you get them to pay for them?”

Cop/Randy: “Let me talk to them and we’ll see.”

By this time, we were at Jason’s house.

Cop/Randy: “Y’all just stay here. I’ll go have a talk with them.”

As Randy went inside, we heard him telling dispatch over the radio that he was entering the residence.

The cop across the street got out of his car, and approached. Jason ran to him and gave him a hug.

Jason: “Randy went in there to talk to the elves. He said he’d be back in a minute.” He gestured to us. “These are my new friends, Steve.”

Cop/Steve shook our hands and thanked us for looking after his brother.

Now, everything came together. Apparently, the whole department knew about Steve’s brother and how to deal with him.

“512 to 514. Coming out.” Cop/Steve’s radio announced.

Cop/Steve: “Jason, I need for you to close your eyes for me.”

Jason did as he was told.

Cop/Randy came back out.

Cop/Randy: “Good news, Jason! They said they were sorry, and the next time you ask them to leave, they’ll go. They even left a five dollar bill on the kitchen counter so you can buy new Twinkies.”

Jason (eyes still closed): “Okay, Randy. See you later!”

Cop/Randy waved at us and wandered back to his car.

Cop/Steve asked us to wait a minute while he escorted his brother inside, then returned with the ball cap in his hand.

Cop/Steve: “Guys, I really appreciate it. Jason ran out of his meds and was having an episode.”

He went on to say that Jason was his half-brother. Jason’s mother had been a drug addict when she got pregnant and it affected the mental growth of the fetus. He took our names and phone numbers, handing us his business cards and telling us to call him directly if we ever had trouble with Jason again.

He had Jason close his eyes, because too many blue uniforms would send the poor guy into panic mode.

That was almost 20 years ago, and I still have Steve’s card.

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

What type of behaviour immediately identifies a non-local where you live?

Sean Kernan, Son of Quora

Updated Sep 16

The Indian crowds will enjoy this one.

Years ago, a bunch of leaders from the Indian Military were in town visiting.

My mom was to host all of the leaders’ wives for an afternoon. She had activities planned.

Typically during visits from foreign dignitaries, Mom will take the wives sight-seeing, to a local restaurant, show them the city. After all, this was the first time in the US for many of them. It was important that they were shown a good time.

So when she met with the 5 women, all dressed in formal sarees, she kindly asked if they had anything in mind that they wanted to do before getting to the schedule. They all said yes.

So what did they want to do?

Not sight seeing.

Not a restaurant.

Not the city.

Walmart.

So instead of the activities, they spent the afternoon at a Walmart Super Center, slowly walking through aisles exploring every inch of the store.

Mom said they were fascinated but most of all happy — the ultimate goal — so the afternoon was viewed as a big success.

Apparently, the low price shopping opportunity was not to be missed out on!

What is the most useless fact you know?

Julian Frank, Film Buff, Stephen King Lover, Amateur Writer, Awkward Teen

Updated Sep 14

Rats laugh when you tickle them.
Most American car horns honk in the note of F.
A whale’s penis is called a dork.
Las Vegas gambling casinos contain no clocks, in an effort to try to make gamblers stay longer.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The average American will eat 35,000 cookies in their lifetime.
Barbie's real name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
The dot over an “i” or “j” is called a tittle.
If you combine a question mark and an exclamation point, you get an interrobang, which indicates a question asked in an exclamatory manner.

143.1k Views · 11,840 Upvotes

Monday, 30 October 2017

When were you treated poorly by a car dealership until they found out you were rich?

Jason Catterall, Car nut for over 40 years. Mine of useless car related info.

Updated Sep 11

My answer is a little different from the others…

So, I was never really treated poorly by a car dealership, but I know that I was treated like royalty when I pretended to be rich. Here’s how it went down:

It was the late 1980s. I was just 19 years old, working as a junior car salesman at my local Volkswagen dealership in Oxford in the UK. It was a great job, it paid well, although the working hours were long.

Whilst idly talking rubbish with one of my senior colleagues one quiet summer Saturday morning I half jokingly suggested that we kill some time and go and test drive the M635 at the BMW dealership up the road. There were no customers around and we were both a little bored.

Now, there was no way I could afford this beauty (being a teenager and quite new to the workforce), but I thought to myself… if I take a brand new 16v Golf GTi with me I might be able to convince the BMW salesman that I was serious about trading it in on the M635…

My colleague was unable to join me, but challenged me to see if I could pull it off.

Ok, so this may not look like the most amazing car these days… but in 1989 it was the dogs nuts, and, at £13,129 (funny how I still remember the price) the most expensive hot hatch at the time.

So… I drove up to the BMW dealership in Summertown, parked the brand new Golf on the forecourt and casually sauntered towards the M635 that was sat, all gleaming and menacing in the showroom…

Those of you that know about these things will know that the 1989 M635csi was the last of the model to be made. 286 horsepower of Bavaria’s finest and, in those days, one of the most desirable cars you could buy.

“I’ve just bought this 16v Golf”, I said to the salesman.
“But I think I made a mistake. I’m looking for something a little faster.”

The salesman eyed me for what seemed like an eternity, before saying:

“Sure, are you thinking of the 635? We have a demonstrator if you wanted to take it for a spin?”

I played hard to get for a second or two, saying that I had to take a trip to Swindon, a 30 mile drive, and would come back and take a proper look later in the day.

“Why don’t you leave me your Golf and just take the 635? You can bring it back tonight, or even tomorrow morning if you get back after we close.”

I was stunned. Ok, I was wearing a suit and driving a brand new Golf GTi, but was it this easy??

I hesitated a second, speechless, before mustering as much nonchalance as I could, under the circumstance.

“Sure…. Are you sure it’s ok for me to have it overnight?”

Less than 5 minutes later I was edging this beautiful straight six masterpiece out into Oxfords morning traffic, grinning like an idiot.

I drove straight back to the VW showroom to show my colleague that I had succeeded.

He had a huge toothy smile on his face and was clearly impressed that I had managed to get the car, and even more impressed that I had secured it for the whole day.

“Don’t stop here mate” he laughed.

“Why don’t you take it to the Porsche dealership and see if they’re interested in trading it in for a new 911!”

I was giddy with excitement. Could I really pull this off twice in one day? It was only around 10am, I had the whole day ahead of me.

So…. I bet my colleague £20 that I would be back in less than an hour in a 911 and set off up the road.

About half way between the VW dealership and the BMW dealership was an independent Porsche specialist. Again, I drove straight onto the forecourt like I owned the place, casually walked up to the salesman and, with my confidence growing and a flashy smile, said:

“Morning! Great day to test drive a 911!”

The salesman shook my hand, and looked out onto the yard.

“Ahhh, the BMW M635csi” he said. “It looks pretty new. Are you thinking of upgrading already?”

“No, no… I’ve only had it for a few weeks… but I’m looking for something convertible for the weekends.”

Now, you have to remember, this was the 1980s, the decade of conspicuous consumption, yuppies and newly minted millionaires. Oxford was awash with wealthy young people, so this wasn’t a totally ridiculous scenario.

My heart was pounding in my chest. I was convinced I was about to be discovered.

The salesman didn’t blink. After making me coffee, a little small talk (and taking the BMW keys as security) I was out the door in a bright red six month old 911 Turbo Convertible, scarcely believing what I had gotten away with. He even offered to have the BMW valeted whilst I was gone!

This was a £100,000 car - a huge amount in 1989, equivalent to £250,000 in today’s money.

I still remember clearly bursting into almost hysterical laughter as I drove out of sight of the dealership and floored the flat six, charging back down the road towards my work.

Back on my forecourt, Michael was shaking his head, with a look of slightly bewildered admiration as I arrived.

“TaaDaa!” I shouted, grinning like a schoolkid as I pulled up. I had only been gone about fifteen minutes.

We took the 911 out to a local pub for an early lunch and sat there for an hour before getting serious about the next challenge…

“What do you reckon? Do you think I could go one better again?”

Michael paused.

“There’s a specialist used car dealership in Reading that sells Ferraris and Lamborghinis……” his voice trailed off.

We stared at each other for a few seconds.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I spent the afternoon driving around in a bright yellow Countach:

After we had spent an hour charging around Reading in the Lambo, laughing at how easy it had all been, we started the process of returning all the vehicles one by one. By the next morning all the cars had been returned and no one was any the wiser…

How was I treated at all the different dealers? Like royalty. Everyone fell over themselves to do my bidding. Certainly, way better than one would expect at a normal dealership.

My favourite of the cars? The 911. The Countach? A total dog of a car. It was almost impossible to drive.

EDIT:
Wow, 2500 votes in 24 hours - that’s insane! Thank you to everyone that has liked and commented. I’m lucky enough to have had some amazing motoring experiences in my life. Please follow me if you are interested, I’ll try to share more of them. Thanks again!