Lukas Schwekendiek, Life Coach, Speaker, Writer. Published on TIME, Inc.com & Huffington Post
Pilot: Hello ladies and gentlemen. Erm… thank you for choosing to fly with us. We are currently headed to …Los Angeles. …Err…Please enjoy your trip… Oh, and as this is my first flight as a pilot I would welcome any and all advice you have as I am entirely self-taught. Thank you!
Passengers: *Gulp*
Pilot: Hello and welcome to the flight to…. awww F*ck it…. You’re on a plane. It better the right one. If you are too stupid to figure it out don’t blame me, I am not turning around. Buckle up if you want to. Bother the stewardesses for anything else. I don’t care. I hate this f*cking job.
Pilot: Hello Ladies and Gentlemen! I am so happy to be your Captain here today! I love flying! My mother always said I should follow my dreams and I did! When I was younger I used to love playing with my airplanes and actually built paper ones myself! You could never see me without one… I was the cutest kid! Anyway! We are on the flight to Rome, Italy today! Oh that reminds me of how beautiful it was there… You see we flew there when I was 10 years old. Ah! It was magnificent! We flew in this beautiful plane. Not the one you are flying in today. That was a different airline back then. But they are striking now. Isn’t it just awful how many airlines are striking? Well not us! We are an amazing airline and you can be glad you are here today! I just love flying. Did I mention that already? Anyway! On this trip to Rome we…
And on… and on… and on…
Pilot: Hello and welcome to flight B267 to Athens. We are preparing for departure now. Please put on your seatbelts and we will be good to go… Hey Frank, hand me the manual please, I haven’t been in this plane before… Thanks… What does this button do again? Ah! Right… Also, why is the intercom light still on? Didn’t I turn that off?
Pilot: OH GOD!! Dude all the systems are going nuts! This is the biggest f*cking storm we’ve been in! SH*T!! I don’t think we’ll make it! Just push the buttons! F*ck I have to make an announcement! … Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. We are encountering some minor turbulences. Please buckle your seatbelts. We should be out shortly… Alright, what do you have for me? WHAT?!?! WE LOST THE RIGHT ENGINE?!?! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Come on baby! Make it! Sh*t the intercom is still on… Oh well, guess it’s too late now! Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain calm. But… you better strap in tight, we are in for a rough ride!
Pilot: Dear… Ladies and… *Hick* Gentleladies. Today we are flying to… *Hick*P…P… Paris! … Please put on your *hick* sitwraps-belty-thingies……… Oh f*ck I had too much to drink… No… No… I’m okay to fly, just hand me my Margarita…
As the pilot boards the plane.
Pilot mumbling to himself: Fire me… I’ll show them! Firing me!! Oh I am going to make sure they never get another passenger on another plane… How dare they fire me after everything I’ve done!… I’ll show them! I swear!
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